The Reality of Hyper-Independence
Like most situations in life, there are two sides to every story.
When people ask me how I spend my free time, my usual answers consist of going to museums, trying new coffee shops, going for a run (to no one's surprise), and simply exploring the city by myself. Many people find it difficult to do these things alone because they feel embarrassed or too proud to eat lunch alone. However, there is nothing wrong with stepping outside your comfort zone and embracing solitude. In fact, I challenge you to do so. The moment you begin to appreciate your alone time and find comfort within yourself is when doors start opening for you.
However, I can tell you from experience that there are highs and lows to being overly independent. On numerous occasions, I have sat at a coffee shop near a group of friends, envying their laughter and desperately wanting to join in. I would think to myself, "What is so wrong with me that I can't have that?" When I first transferred to BU as a sophomore, I severely underestimated how difficult it would be to start over and make new friends. Even after orientation, countless DMs on Instagram, and attending social events, I didn't feel like I clicked with anyone. Some days, I wouldn't even have a conversation with a single human being.
The silence was excruciatingly painful, and soon enough, guilt and shame began to consume me. Here I was, halfway across the country in a city known for its academic prestige, crying my eyes out on the bathroom floor. After leaving behind a scholarship, a year-long relationship, and my collegiate running team, I truly felt like I had nothing. No motivation, no 6 am practice, and no 1-hour flights back home. The reality finally sunk in—there was no escape and definitely no turning back. The issue was that I was dealing with hyper independence, a stress response that causes you to be independent of everyone and everything even if it negatively affects you. So while at times yes independence is a gift, it can also be a sinkhole if you don't know how to navigate it. My lack of confidence, anxiety, and dread of the unknown was making it impossible for me to engage with my surroundings. You know that scene in the movie Inside Out where Riley's foundations crumble apart? Yeah, that's how I felt. My layers of protection had been stripped away and suddenly I had nowhere to hide.
Things needed to change. I needed to change. I had been running away from my problems for so long that when I finally hit a dead end, I was forced to confront my fears. You can change your location as many times as you want, but it won't solve your problems. To truly transform your life, you need to look inward, get to know and love yourself, and heal the traumas haunting your mind. This is how you get to the root of your problems. You become your best self when you work on things that people can't take away from you. I started working on my mindset, then my character, transparency, and communication one day at a time.
That meant asking for help when I needed it, joining a club at school, trying out for the running team, and, yes, some days still crying on the bathroom floor. The point is, you can't just sit around and wait for good things to come to you. You have to dust yourself off, take a long hard look in the mirror, and create the life you want to live. I wish I could tell you it was easy, but nothing in life ever is. While my college experience may not resemble what you see in movies, I wouldn't change a single thing about it.
You become your best self when you work on things that people can't take away from you.
