How I Taught Myself to Live
The first time I saw a dead body was the day I realized death is the most certain thing to happen to any of us.
Some will find that statement terrifying or morbid, but it is simply the truth. Contrary to popular belief, I did not run away nor cower in fear but rather I stood my ground and took a long hard look. My father, a funeral director, placed his right hand over my shoulder as we stood there in silence honoring the dead and living. He never tried to hide death from me, even in my earliest memories of life. As I grew up, I began to realize my life strayed pretty far from the standard definition of normal. I know many people that have never even been near a dead body, and then there’s me, who spent my entire childhood surrounded by them. Running in and out of chapels into mortuary rooms always seemed pretty typical- it simply never occurred to me that people would find my childhood fascinating.
I am often asked if I understood what death meant at such a young age. And perhaps a part of me did, maybe this is why I craved the feeling of being rushed with adrenaline as a kid, because I wanted to feel alive. Although I couldn’t quite understand death on an intellectual level, my understanding of death grew in small increments rather than in one big gulp. I learned early on the road ends for all of us; except that road is full of unexpected turns, potholes, and occasionally dead ends. That road has taught me resilience, bravery, and it has even taught me defeat. Gaining an understanding of death that shifted my outlook on life has helped me realize that people deal with the tragedy of death in all sorts of ways. Allowing yourself to feel heartbreak in whatever way feels right to you, is the first step in healing. Grief is a process that kickstarts the mending process, for which there is no right or wrong way to do it. They say honoring the dead is for the living, and it is true. It is to remind us that no matter who you are, you are not above death.
Death is a constant reminder to follow your instinct, take risks, make mistakes, and take nothing for granted. In a matter of seconds, your whole world can turn upside down because death comes unexpectedly without warning. I have found that when you expect nothing, you get everything. Some of the most exciting things in life are often the unexpected. Life is not about perfection but rather finding your purpose. If being around death has taught me anything, it is that we are the purpose of our very own existence. I am grateful for my funeral home upbringing and my outlook on death for it has taught me how to live.
